Issue 08 |
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👋 Good evening! Nigeria is so hot right now. To our diasporan audience reading this from outside Nigeria, I’m so jealous. Please send us pictures. Let us see how well you’re enjoying yourselves. |
If you’re in Lagos, though, The Juice is doing a thing at Lagos Cocktail Week today and tomorrow. We have a booth, and there are also free cocktails to be shared. Come through! |
In this issue: |
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When Love is Not Enough |
In this week’s Spilling the Juice, Roli* (32) met Pat* (27) during a hectic workday, and their friendship eventually became something more. But between their age difference, his family’s reservations, and assurances that never quite eased her fears, she began to question whether love was enough. |
Meeting Pat was unexpected. In fact, that day, everything had gone wrong. I'm an event planner, and I was working at a birthday party when one of the vendors refused to deliver on time. The celebrant was anxious and angry, and I was getting frustrated too. While I was on the phone with the vendor, I forgot I was holding tightly to a piece of the decoration. I accidentally pulled it, and the photo booth came tumbling down over my head. |
A young man rushed over and, although he was a little late, managed to hold the booth up while I crawled out from underneath it. He was worried I might have injured my legs, but I assured him I was fine. My biggest concern at the time was getting through to the vendor. Still, he insisted I sit down and even helped me contact the vendor until things were eventually sorted out. |
That was how Pat and I became friends. We started going to events together, and he would sometimes join me for buffets because, as an event planner, I often had access to them. As much as he was a workaholic, he was also very sociable. He was easy to like, and before long, we had grown close. |
Then came his birthday. I planned the celebration, arranged for friends who lived out of town to attend, and made sure his family members were there too. It was a good time, and I was happy to see everything come together. What I didn't expect was for Pat to ask me to be his girlfriend in front of everyone. |
I liked Pat a lot, but I had reservations about getting into a relationship with him. I was five years older than him, and that age difference mattered to me. I also earned a little more than he did. I knew he was still finding his feet in life, and I worried about whether our differences would eventually become a problem. Would I become too old for him? Would we be at different stages of our lives? More than anything, I was convinced his family would never approve of me. |
Because the proposal happened in front of everyone, I agreed to date him, even though I hadn't fully worked through my fears. I hadn't been brave enough to tell him how much the age difference bothered me, either. |
As I had feared, his family eventually found out how old I was. They tried to act as though it didn't matter, but I could tell they weren't entirely happy about it. They also knew I earned more than Pat, even though it wasn't something that bothered him or caused problems between us. |
One morning, I was at Pat's house when his sister was around. They were having a conversation, and curiosity got the better of me. I overheard her telling him that their mother hadn't been happy with how things were going. She went further, saying that even if their mother chose to keep quiet about it, the rest of the family would never accept me as a wife. |
I carried on with my day as though I hadn't heard anything, but the conversation stayed with me. Later, I brought it up with Pat. He insisted I was worrying over nothing and assured me that his family would eventually accept me. This conversation came up several times afterwards, but each time, he maintained that my fears were unfounded. |
I wanted to believe him. I knew he loved me, and I didn't want to let his family's opinions ruin what we had. But his reassurances never quite settled my fears. He kept telling me things would work out, but I needed more than the promise that his family would eventually come around. I needed to feel that the situation was being addressed, not just that I was being asked to stop worrying about it. |
Then came Christmas, when we visited his mother. At some point, she made a backhanded comment about how young I looked for my age. She followed it up by saying that if I was going to give her a grandchild, I should do so early because, according to her, women my age often struggled. |
That was my breaking point. I spoke to Pat about what his mother had said, but I didn't give myself time to sit with the situation or consider what we could do about it. I told him I was done. I had reached a point where the thought of constantly having to prove that I was suitable for him, especially to his family, felt like too much. |
I knew Pat loved me, and I don't believe the difference in our earnings was an issue for him. But I couldn't stop thinking about how his family viewed our relationship and what that might mean if we eventually got married. I worried that my age would always be held against me and that our financial differences, even if they didn't matter to us, might become another source of disapproval. |
After ending the relationship, I stopped responding to Pat's messages. He kept reaching out, but I immersed myself in work and made myself unavailable to him. I stopped reaching out, stopped making myself accessible, and eventually cut off communication completely. |
Looking back, I know I didn't give us much room to work through what had happened. I didn't wait to see whether things could change or give Pat much of an opportunity to show me what he would do about his family's concerns. At the time, though, I felt overwhelmed, and leaving seemed like the only way to free myself from the uncertainty I had been carrying. |
It hurt to walk away from someone I loved, especially knowing that he still wanted to be with me. Even now, I find myself wondering whether I made the right decision or whether I let my fears about the future rob us of the chance to build one together. |
I still think about Pat, and I haven't stopped wishing things could have been different. I know he loved me, and I loved him too. But I also know that I needed to feel secure in the relationship, and his assurances weren't enough to give me that feeling. |
For now, I can only hope that he finds happiness, even if it isn't with me. And honestly, I still wish him the very best. |
If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer. |
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Polls |
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In our last issue, 63.6% prioritize their mental health and 36.4% try but need to do better. This is commendable given how people tend to ignore that aspect while focusing on other excruciating parts of life. |
This week, we want to know what age difference you generally prefer in a relationship. |
What age difference do you prefer in a relationship? |
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PARTNER POST |
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Africa’s Cocktail Culture Is Returning to Lagos |
What is as refreshing as a glass of drink made with intention, flavour, and ingredients that leave you asking for one more? An entire event dedicated to it, of course! |
Lagos Cocktail Week is returning for its 12th edition, and this year’s theme is Africa Pours into Lagos. Like every other year, the festival brings together bartenders, bars, and cocktail lovers from across the continent. So, think bartenders from Accra and Abidjan taking over Lagos bars and introducing your taste buds to something new. |
The week-long event runs from October 16–23, with the two-day Cocktail Village finale to hold on October 22 and 23 at the Balmoral Convention Centre, Federal Palace Hotel, Victoria Island. Expect good times, entertainment, and exciting experiences, including a gastro-mixology session led by Chef Gibbs, a bar-industry panel, and the return of Bar Battle, which moves to the opening day this year instead of the second. |
The final night will be a dedicated Grand Finale celebrating the brands and community that make the festival what it is. |
This October, the people, flavours, and hospitality cultures making up Africa’s bar scene will take center stage, making Lagos the place to experience a little more of what the continent has to offer, one cocktail at a time. |
Ready to see what happens when Africa pours into Lagos? |
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Ask Big Aunty |
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Big Aunty, I'm at a point in my life where I don't feel ready to settle down or commit to anything serious. A lot is going on, and while I get into casual relationships, they never really amount to anything because mentally, I'm just not in the right space for something more serious. The thing is, my body craves something deeper. I want that intimacy and connection, but my current circumstances make it difficult to commit to a relationship. I'm also in my mid-30s, and there's a lot of pressure from my family to settle down. I carry some of the financial burden at home, so I feel like they've placed me on a pedestal and expect me to have everything figured out. Even my mum thinks I should get married as soon as possible so my younger sister can get married too. Honestly, I feel so pressured, and I don't even know what I want anymore. Do I keep exploring casual relationships until I'm in a better place, or should I make an effort to settle down despite everything going on? How do I deal with my family's expectations without feeling like I'm letting everyone down? |
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| Sarah* |
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My darling, |
First, breathe. You are not faulty just because you haven’t figured out marriage yet. Wanting intimacy while not wanting a serious relationship is also not a contradiction. Your body can want connection while your life is saying, “Madam, please, we need to focus on other things.” |
It’s important to separate what you want from what everybody else wants for you. Your mother wanting you married so your younger sister can marry is a family scheduling problem, not a relationship strategy. Not necessarily your business, to be honest. Your sister’s marriage does not need to wait for yours, and you should communicate that firmly. |
Now, if you genuinely don’t have the emotional or practical capacity for a serious relationship, please don’t force yourself into one because you’re approaching a certain age. Marriage is not a fix for family anxiety. You’ll just end up satisfying everybody’s expectations for a while and then find yourself living a life you never actually chose. |
Casual relationships are not automatically harmless either. If what you really crave is emotional intimacy & companionship, repeatedly choosing relationships that cannot give you those things may leave you feeling even lonelier. So be honest with yourself and, importantly, with the people you’re dating. Don’t offer “casual” while secretly hoping someone will eventually become your partner. |
You can love your family, support them financially, and still be firm in your boundaries. It’s okay to disappoint people temporarily instead of making a permanent decision just to keep everyone comfortable. |
If you genuinely want a relationship but feel overwhelmed by everything else, then I think the answer is to remain open while moving slowly and being honest about where you are. |
Please remember: dem no dey catch late comer. Take the pressure off, figure out what you actually want, and let your relationships grow from there. The right person is not a deadline, but someone you should actually want to build a life with. |
Love, |
Big Aunty |
Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Bring all your questions to the table, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here. |
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This week’s recs |
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📖Read: Bina Idonije’s Bridges Are For Burning, a story that follows a 30-something's search for a temporary connection on Valentine’s Eve, which unravels a web of hidden truths and explosive secrets between her, her best friend, and her sister.
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Does your friend need this email? |
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Today’s issue was brought to you by Shalom Tewobola and Ikeoluwa Amonimo. |
Never miss a love education; read Pillow Talk in your inbox every other Thursday. Not interested? No worries, toggle off in your preferences. |
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